Hello Tuition!

I finally felt the financial burden of a higher education. For the first time in my life, I forked over a large sum of 10k to pay for my first quarter tuition.

The past few months were proven hard for me, for that my business hasn't gone as prosperous as I expected. As of September, as I packed and shipped my last order to my customer from Georgia, I made a decision to close down FU Wear Asia. It was a decision I knew I had to make soon.

Sitting on top of the kitchen counter were hundreds of fliers awaiting to be posted on bulletin board; locking away in the cabinet sat a stack of my business cards- a startling reminder of my past enthusiasm. The truth was that I cannot afford to spend my tuition money on this side hobby. When there is no steady steam of income, any hobby is costly, and any expense is magnified. The conservative part of me tells me, I need to quit.

No one likes to be a quitter, but I'd like to feel no shame in admitting that I shouldn't have crossed path with the fashion business. Liking fashion was one matter, actually succeeding in managing one was another. Now the business-deal is settled, however, I don't feel any relief from my money situation. It is not the immediate lacking of money that bothers me- my savings for the past five years have prepared me for times like this. I know in the not so far future, say three years, I will need to ask my family for money. I haven't asked since I graduated from high school; to a certain point, I forgot how to ask. I wonder, will my mom be willing to support her daughter's dream- a luxury my mother never owned? Will my dad be able to look beyond the cost of today and invest in my future? Will my sister, who is one year older than me, be following my path and expecting my parents to support her dream of pharmacy school too, if she chooses to pursue?

I don't have any answer. At times, my pride is too big to even sputter a sound of my questions. I will think about these when time comes. I will leave these to tomorrow. Because tomorrow will be another day.

Just will you take a look at yourself

When you look in the mirror, do you see who you are or who you want to be? I might as well be honest with myself, starting with my conviction, my motivation, and my expectation.

I trembled at the thought of being a lawyer-- I’ve said it when I’ve been independent. Not that the idea of justice frighten me. We all wrote about that subject matter in our personal statement, didn’t we? We wanted to reach to the poor, defend the right, and unwind the wrongful acts- all are partial meaning to this career. Then, one complains about the long hours in the cubicle- writing and researching about cases- and not to at least demand some compensation from big law. This thought, under cover of virtuous sentiment, became one's reflection. The honorable causes you speak, reasons, purposes, are echoes of the past. You even wanted to be convinced that you truly believed. You know, without that disguise, you lose your basic senses and principles of happiness; you stare infinitely into your soul, searching for a noble declaration-- only to find that law is the ultimate horror.

It’s been real to me-- from the day I studied for LSAT (Law School Assessment Test). I was impervious to the notion that a law degree can pay me plenty. I have never imposed that notion on myself. I knew nothing of law, except of fight for a glorious reason-justice. It ought to be the chief goal of this career or I suppose I’d simply been spared the generous paycheck as an analyst at Boeing. Granted, you should know-- no money will buy you reasons you’re in the legal field.

I have never thought myself as such a vulgar rebel. That I refused to accept the vague perception of law school with clear emptiness; rather, chose to be a crusader in my own reasons of entering law. People say, in this career, you either feel a great joy or a timid terror at the end of the day; mine will be a smiling moment. I will not sell my soul to law, not sacrifice its integrity to its promising paycheck; I will give it the dignity it convicts.

After all, I am not here to learn common sense.