The road not taken

Yesterday, I was asked why I blogged when I could just write my feelings in my journal? I do both actually. While blogging keeps an optimist perspective on my thoughts, writing in my journal reveals my "after-thoughts". I write about my feelings mostly in my journal, you know, the thing about love, relationship, my desires- things ought not to shared with the world yet. Where on blog I use it as my platform to evaluate, mainly to make, my decision.

I keep these decisions open to the public because someone out there may find them valuable. Perhaps, they may have the same doubts, or they may have wise advice for me. The web is neutral; I won't be judged for making a decision and I listen to everyone's say. It helped me get through my days when I know these postings will reach to a certain population one day.

Anyway, it has been a week since I "dropped" out of law school. I am reluctant to speak in this manner since how do you drop out when you are never enrolled? You see, back at my old job, we had a fellow who dropped out of law school- he finished his 1L at Seattle U and figured that road was not for him. I asked him then why he even went if he was clueless initially? He gave me an answer that may be common for most people in law school today- he didn't know what he could do after college that pays decent money. That statement there truly sounded like a drop out to me. Unfortunately, this young man took his own life after a year at the job. My prayer goes out to him.

I used to think I could adapt my love for writing to love for law. Not likely so. I just can't write about something I don't believe in; and I can't be convincing if I can't believe. So with all, this is what I love:

Promise

Before the first sight, before the first night
Before the arcs of many moons a Promise I had known
From the solitude of my walls echoed a soft whisper
“I am falling in love with you”

Fall bloomed red with desire; Winter longed with her sorrowed swoon
Lashed by the snow stream thawed by spring wind
We heaved with shivers of joy, anticipation and loss
The stuff of life; the stuff of love!

Love, the chariot of Apollo, knew of no reasons, knew of no seasons
Faith, ever fragile a mistress, danced her terrible fate
A Promise, not lived, is not believed
A dream, not believed , easily caved

I choose to Live that Promise
Not as a soft whisper in the dark
Not as a painting, a page or a frame
But as a day and everyday in the light of the sun

Just will you take a look at yourself

When you look in the mirror, do you see who you are or who you want to be? I might as well be honest with myself, starting with my conviction, my motivation, and my expectation.

I trembled at the thought of being a lawyer-- I’ve said it when I’ve been independent. Not that the idea of justice frighten me. We all wrote about that subject matter in our personal statement, didn’t we? We wanted to reach to the poor, defend the right, and unwind the wrongful acts- all are partial meaning to this career. Then, one complains about the long hours in the cubicle- writing and researching about cases- and not to at least demand some compensation from big law. This thought, under cover of virtuous sentiment, became one's reflection. The honorable causes you speak, reasons, purposes, are echoes of the past. You even wanted to be convinced that you truly believed. You know, without that disguise, you lose your basic senses and principles of happiness; you stare infinitely into your soul, searching for a noble declaration-- only to find that law is the ultimate horror.

It’s been real to me-- from the day I studied for LSAT (Law School Assessment Test). I was impervious to the notion that a law degree can pay me plenty. I have never imposed that notion on myself. I knew nothing of law, except of fight for a glorious reason-justice. It ought to be the chief goal of this career or I suppose I’d simply been spared the generous paycheck as an analyst at Boeing. Granted, you should know-- no money will buy you reasons you’re in the legal field.

I have never thought myself as such a vulgar rebel. That I refused to accept the vague perception of law school with clear emptiness; rather, chose to be a crusader in my own reasons of entering law. People say, in this career, you either feel a great joy or a timid terror at the end of the day; mine will be a smiling moment. I will not sell my soul to law, not sacrifice its integrity to its promising paycheck; I will give it the dignity it convicts.

After all, I am not here to learn common sense.

Show me the money

After the reality has set in, I am starting to get panic attack. For one, I never had a student loan in my life, thanks foremost to an affordable tuition at undergrad. Scholarships, financial aid, and some money from my business all helped me graduate college without debts.

But this is law school. Truth to be told, a professional school doesn't grant me many perks I enjoyed during undergrad. My tuition, while it is manageable compared to that of other law school, is still a sky-rocket figure ($23k/year) to me.

I then realize that by attending law school will not just put me in debt after graduating, but deplete all of my savings as well. This thought definitely scared me! Having left Boeing four months ago, I started to live off on my savings. I had intended to use some of the savings and started another company- FU Wear Asia, an online website that sells Asian style clothes to the US market. Such a simple concept but involves a great complexity. I have to work with my suppliers who are located across the globe, and the time difference makes many business dealings more difficult. This is not impossible certainly, but I can't seem to stop asking myself: Did I put forth my best efforts?

How can I when I am only using this as a mean to support my own tuition? I am not desperate. This is not my last frontier either, and so, I blame the difficulties on the lack of infrastructure and processes of my suppliers. Since I founded FU Wear Asia, I have debated to whether close it down. Should I continue spending money on advertising or Should I pull a plug to burning cash? As all entrepreneurs know, you have to invest before you can harvest your crop. The problem in me, in this business, is that my law school is my investment. Should I protect my prior investment?

Law or Boeing?

Back when Boeing still paid for a JD degree, the choice was simpler. We would enroll in a part-time JD program or take an ELOA (Education Leave of Absence) to complete our degree; then, if we do not find a job after law school, we would submit our tuition for reimbursement. You really didn't have much to lose except the three years of your life.

But that was during our happier times. Now, Boeing took a reasonable move to cut funding to law program. And for the first time, I had to choose between going back to school or continuing my job at Boeing. I love my job at Boeing- an analyst position in the Industrial Engineering organization. On the days where we have to firefight issues, I find myself getting excited to jump right into the fire. I can't say I want to expect firefighting everyday since it is bad for the business. But after three years, I know very well that I needed something more challenging, more demanding. As UNCF puts it: A mind is a terrible thing to waste.

So in 2008, I began my preparation for law school entry. I did research on LSAT, law school program, career outlook, and job descriptions for attorney. After more than one year of agonizing study and endless happy-hours forgone, I was accepted to the University of Washington School of Law. I cannot forget my emotions when I opened the acceptance letter. It was a Tuesday evening, and I opened that thin envelope with the hands that had just finished marinating chicken breast.

Perhaps it all happened too fast. A desire to move on from my comfortable position at work, a reward for those days of preparation, an opportunity waiting at my hand, and a prestige awaiting my fate. This was a prize too good to say no.